*Disclaimer: I want to say that everyone is different and I fully understand and accept those differences. Some women don’t want children and some women live for theirs. There is no right or wrong here, this post is addressed to the women out there that have a strong desire to be a mother and are currently not.
Grant, I’m still clinging to a hope that one day we’ll have children. I imagine them running in this house. I hear them playing in the backyard. Or running to our bed in a thunderstorm. And I think about reading them stories and teaching them songs. And I just keep thinking; how can I miss someone so much that I have never met? – Facing The Giants
When I was watching this movie with my husband and the main character’s wife said this, I cried. The screenwriters of this amazing movie managed to put into words a feeling that seemed completely indescribable to me. How can I miss someone SO much, that I have never even met?
There is something deep, significant, and powerful about the desire to be a mother. It’s like… there is a seed planted deep inside of your soul that makes you crave motherhood with every fiber of your being. It makes your heart ache for the love of a child that does not yet exist.
I know this feeling first hand, because I struggle with it on a daily basis. For the record, Anthony and I are not trying to have a baby. I know some women can relate to this feeling because of infertility problems, and my heart breaks for you. My situation is different. As much as I want to be a mom right now (with all of my heart), we have personal reasons for waiting. We don’t want to bring a child into this world when we don’t feel that we can take care of it the way that it would deserve. We are hoping and praying that our life circumstances change sooner rather than later, but until then, it is a waiting game.
Very recently, my husband and I had experienced finance-related trials that ultimately caused us both a lot of stress. We grew closer together because of it, but it was very hard and was the main reason why I have not written in a while. Right at the start of these trials, I had a missed period. I was convinced it was just late, (I am not always regular) but my period completely skipped out on me that month. And the next month. To say the least, mother nature played a cruel joke on me. I know it was probably the stress that made me skip those months, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I was convinced that I was pregnant.
I completely let my mind “go there”. I was making plans, picking out cribs, and making decisions that I had only dreamt about making. I was over the moon about the idea that I had a child inside of me. Every time I had a negative test, I would go back to an online forum I had found where a women had written that she had “one faint positive out of 20 tests” and that one positive was accurate. The whole forum was full of stories like that and it gave me hope that I clung to. Although I wanted so badly for those tests to be wrong, I was very conflicted inside. I was waging an internal war between the part of me that knows we can’t afford a baby and the part of me that wants to be a mother so desperately.
On top of all of this, being my age (20) and wanting to have a baby brings mixed reactions from loved ones and acquaintances. There are really supportive and amazing people out there that agree that children are a blessing and we would be adding to our lives by starting early, not taking away. Then there are people that mean well, but want so badly to convince you that you’d be making a huge mistake by having children early. It is scary thinking that you might have to face judgement from loved ones during a time in your life that is supposed to be the most joyous.
If you have that desire to be a mother, I am writing this for you. I am writing this because I don’t think this is talked about enough. The world focuses so much on the prevention of pregnancy or the prevention of birth… I want to take a moment to stop and consider the miracle of life. It might hurt now. You might not be a mother now, but there is always later. The simple fact that you have that desire to dedicate yourself to another human being is beautiful. Don’t stop hoping, waiting, or praying. You are not alone.