As I sit here attempting to write this post- I am using the notepad on my iPhone because the power is out. The weather has been crazy in California!! I am currently still in my PJ’s at two O’clock in the afternoon and have been battling with my anxiety most of the morning… It’s so easy for my fears to get the best of me and take me down the “what if” road. So, as I sit here in the dark, wearing my PJs, in the middle of the afternoon, the question “What if I can’t do it?” is haunting me.
I really REALLY want to blog. I want to make a difference, capture interests, inspire, and generate an income so I can be a stay at home mom when Anthony and I have babies. I want to write about all of the things I love, because it is too hard for me to pick one and pursue a specific line of work.
When I finally sat down and began to research, study, and open myself to pursuing this, I truly felt that God was putting it firmly on my heart. I felt like it was my calling. Almost every blog I came across was another Christian woman who felt called to blog, or a Christian mother that felt God provided her with blogging as a way to generate income without having to leave her children. To me, that is beautiful. It shows me that God is using this community of bloggers to prove to the world that we CAN work from home, we CAN be stay at home moms, and we CAN contribute to our income while doing it. With God, anything is possible… so why the anxiety Sarah?
I have been letting deep rooted insecurities tug at my heart, making me feel as if I’m not good enough to be like the rest of them. The rest of you, if any bloggers are reading this.
“Those women must have done something special for God to grant them their dream. What have I done that is special? What do I have to offer?”
Writing this pains me deeply because I know that isn’t the way God wants me to think and it kills me that I feel that way. Anxiety, insecurities, and depression are all tools used by the enemy to keep us from God’s truths and His promises. As I lay here, typing this out, my eyes are full of tears because I know that His truths can conquer my fears.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
‘”For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”‘Jeremiah 29:11
I will choose to give these anxieties to God. I will NOT accept them as my reality and I WILL stand firm in the knowledge that my God has plans for me. He has put this on my heart and will use me for His greater purpose. The only way I can do this is through Him and Him alone. So, to any of you out there struggling… you are not alone. I also have weak moments. Dark places. What helps me is when I truly lift myself up to God and cling to His truths with all of my strength.
I wanted to write this out so you know it’s normal to feel this way. To go through the process of having to give it up to God daily. Some days might be easier than others, but that’s okay. I have to remind myself, that it’s okay. What is important is that we take the time to meditate on His word, which I will strive to be better at.
The power turned back on and I’m taking it as a sign. I am going to get up and blog my heart out! I will keep you all updated on this journey I am on.
I pray for all of God’s children in the blogging community. I pray for your success, your hearts, and that you cling to His promises and know that you are cherished. He sees your struggles, my struggles, and is holding our hands even when we don’t realize it. I lift you all up to Him in Jesus Christ’s name, Amen.